


Never Sleep, Never Die

by TamChronin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-15
Updated: 2003-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-12 07:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15334536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamChronin/pseuds/TamChronin
Summary: Memories sift like sand through a sieve while Sirius Black survives in Azkaban. Sanity dances on the edge of a razor, but his strongest feelings, his most intense memories, are his lifeline.





	Never Sleep, Never Die

"I don't know about using Peter.  Why don't we use Remus?"

Sirius turned to James with a pensive expression.  "No, I just think you should make Peter your secret keeper.  You said one of us might be...well...I can hardly believe one of us would give **him** secrets, but, what if it's Moony?"  He immediately wanted to kick himself for saying that, for laying that suspicion on his secret love, but there was no other way to protect him, keep him safe from--

"You think he would betray us like that?"  James was looking at Sirius with stunned disbelief.

"No!  I mean, I don't know.  I can't imagine any of us betraying you, but there's only one way to know for sure, right?"  Peter wouldn't betray them, he was sure...and this would keep his precious Moony safe.  Yes.  Safe.

~*~

_...not safe,_ Sirius realized later.  None of them were safe.  He sifted through rubble, cutting his hands on bits of broken glass and plaster.  He could hear the weak cries of the baby, just a year old, please dear God let him still be alive, let Harry still be alive....

...all my fault...I've killed them, killed them all...I betrayed them as well as if I had handed them over myself.  God, what have I done?

He was a fool, and his heart had betrayed them, had killed them.

A sudden wail pierced the night, right next to the spot he had shifted away from.  The cry wasn't muffled this time, and weary tears of relief met the stream of grieved tears from earlier.  "Hagrid," he called out in a choked whisper.  He coughed and shifted some sort of wooden plank aside, a bit of house that was utterly unrecognizable as the home his best friend had lived in with his new bride and their son.  "Hagrid, over here!"  He felt a splinter bite into the center of his palm, but it didn't matter.  He shifted more rubble aside and found a void space, a room almost intact.

The nursery.

~*~

"Blue.  They'll have a boy, I'm certain of it."

Sirius grinned patronizingly at Peter, ruffling his friend's hair casually and rolling his eyes.  "Oh, sure, we'd all like to think it would be another little James to carry on the line.  That would be simply wonderful, but what if they have a little Lily running around, breaking hearts?"  He winked at Remus, who was busy setting up the crib.

"Yeah, perfect," the werewolf muttered, looking at the screwdriver with an expression of disgust.  "That's just what this world needs, another generation of losers pining away over little miss perfect--" the screwdriver slipped, cutting a deep gouge into the wood frame.  He then looked up when he realized what he had said out loud.  "Oh, God, sorry Peter.  It's just, you know.  We're all in the same boat."  His eyes flicked over to Sirius briefly in acknowledgment of the secret they kept.

The only two who really weren't in love with Lily Evans Potter.

Not anymore.

~*~

He was finally aware of something.  He could smell the dank earth and hear the low moans around him.  With almost inhuman effort he latched onto those things, signs of the real world, hints that there was something beyond the nightmare of memories flitting past.  Even the good memories had become terrible and hopeless, overshadowed by the knowledge that they would not come again.  Everything good had been destroyed.

_No, there had to be hope.  Harry was alive.  Harry was with Dumbledore.  Voldemort was defeated.  There was hope._

_If these things could come to pass, maybe other miracles could happen._

_Maybe he could make Wormtail pay for his betrayal._

No, thinking of the betrayal sent him back into a spiral of dark memories.

~*~

"Take him!  Take Harry, and hurry.  Take my bike."

Hagrid looked momentarily confused, but then he nodded and smiled gratefully.  "I'll bring it back righ' as soon 's I'm done."

Sirius smiled sadly.  "Just go."  Now a grim expression was settling on his face.  He knew who had to be responsible for this, and if he didn't find Peter Pettigrew a tortured, beaten, and broken man in some dank Death Eater's cellar, he was going to kill their friend himself.

~*~

"GRYFFINDOR!"  The sorting hat had spoken.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh NO!

Sirius would probably get a howler from his mom--if he got anything at all from her for the next 7 years.

"Go join your classmates," the young Transfiguration teacher instructed with a kind smile.  Of course she would smile.  She was the head of house for Gryffindor.

With leaden feet, Sirius Black shuffled over to the table and sat down.  As the ceremony went on a silly grin began to grow on his face though.  His family would be so disappointed.  Well, good.  As he heard the names of other people called to wear the sorting hat he grew more excited.  He smiled when he was joined by Lupin, Remus.  He clapped when they were then joined by Pettigrew, Peter.  He let out a cheer and a laugh with the rest of the house when Potter, James joined their ranks and raised his fists in triumph.  The boy even took a bow, and Sirius found himself clapping the dark-haired showoff on the back and welcoming him with a light heart.

By damn, if he was going to go down, he was going to have fun doing it.

~*~

"That Potter boy is a terrible influence, and I don't want you to accept another owl from him as long as you live under this roof!  His whole family is full of those damn muggle sympathizers and mudblood lovers.  Their blood may be as pure as the driven snow, but they are NOT our equals!  Do you hear me Sirius?  I may not be able to tell you what kind of company to keep while you're at that school, not as long as Dumbledore is headmaster, but I will never put up with that sort of thing in my own home!"

His mother shouted the words while his father silently backed her up, arms folded across his chest, looking stern.

Sirius sneered.  "Oh gee, I guess that means this is a bad time to tell you he wants me to visit this summer."

"Not as long as you live under this roof, boy," his mother snapped, backhanding him.

It didn't hurt at all, really.  What did hurt was the gleeful, sadistic twinkle in Kreacher's eye.  He'd always thought the small house elf had been his greatest ally in this house.  The betrayal was complete when Sirius heard the wretched thing cry, "Again, Mistress, again!  Like you said you would all summer, again!"

He fairly flew to his bedroom after that, an ache in his heart he'd never known before threatening to overwhelm him.  His friends were all going to the Potter's this summer.  They'd be having fun without him.  James said his parents loved having guests and that they'd have all kinds of fun...his best friend had even listed things they'd probably do.  It was really an excuse to figure out something though.

What was the mystery Remus kept from them?

He threw pillows around his room, frustrated.  He couldn't exactly tell his parents why he wanted to go there for more than just "fraternizing with the enemy".  Dammit, James was going to figure out the secret first.  Sirius wanted to know, more than anything, exactly what lay beneath the surface of their serious, studious, sickly little friend.

~*~

"You like her, don't you?"

Sirius whirled around, nearly dropping the vial of bat blood.  Her?  What "her" could Remus be talking about?  There was a "her"?

He followed his friend's eyes across the room, right where Sirius had been staring...where he had followed James' gaze just a while ago.

He'll think I'm strange if I don't like her.  He'll think something is wrong with me or something.  But, I wasn't really looking at her that way, I wasn't!  I can't let him know, he'd find out--

"Well, who doesn't like her?"  It wasn't a lie, even if it was evasive.

Remus had a funny look on his face that Sirius didn't quite understand, but he shook his head and smiled sadly.  "James would kill any one of us if we so much as touched her, then he'd kill himself for it.  You should forget about her."

Sirius almost laughed, but instead nodded solemnly.  "You're absolutely right.  What was I thinking?"

Was it so inconceivable to his friend that the one Sirius liked that way _wasn't_ a girl?

~*~

_He heard screams again, with that unique resonance of being live instead of memory.  The screams echoed from the decaying stone walls, breaking into a thousand voices, each one smaller as it drifts away...away..._

_There were so many things in Sirius' past that could be--should be--haunting him.  Every memory was wrapped around one thing though.  He was innocent.  Someone would have to see Peter at some point.  If Remus saw him even as a rat, it would all be over.  Some day he would get out.  Some day he would leave.  Some day this would all be a nightmare that was in the past, and Remus would forgive him and they could take Harry away from the muggle family he had been forced upon._

_There was a happily ever after lurking there somewhere._

_With a contented sigh, Sirius changed into his dog form and curled up.  It was more comfortable to sleep on the floor as a dog.  His little secret._

~*~

James was at the tender mercy of Madame Pomfrey again, following a spectacular show on the Quidditch pitch.  Gryffindor had won again, this time against Hufflepuff for the House Cup.  Peter and half a dozen other admirers were standing around, still congratulating the star Seeker on the incredible dive he had made at the last second to catch the Golden Snitch.  Sirius and Remus were fading into the background, with James' blessing, to do some serious talking.

They made it to the hall without anyone else noticing, unusually somber for the occasion.  Remus looked apprehensively around them, trying to figure out where they could be walking.  It was a clear Saturday afternoon, but most people were either partying with their houses or studying for end of the year exams.  Sirius was walking directly toward the whomping willow, a direction Remus knew all too well.

The young werewolf quailed.  "How did you know?"

Sirius gave his friend a punch on the shoulder.  "Stupid.  Nobody is smarter than James except for me, right?  A year and a half of you disappearing every full moon made things just slightly a little bit REALLY OBVIOUS!  Peter didn't get it, of course, but James and I have known almost all year."

Remus looked like he was about to faint.  "I just wanted to go to school, like anyone else," he said in a devastated whisper.

Sirius shrugged.  "Okay, you're doing that.  So what's with the glum and paranoid act?"

"Y-you mean you're not going to tell your parents.  You're not going to have me expelled?"

"James and I have known almost all year.  Peter has known for months.  You'd think, if any of us wanted to run you out of here we'd have done it ages ago, right?"

Remus blinked, startled.  "I...all...you...and...you've known all year?  You didn't say anything?  I thought, if anyone knew, I'd be thrown out, maybe hunted, and you're just standing there like always?  I don't get it."

"We have a surprise," Sirius stated with a gleam in his eye.  "James and I have been working on something, and we think we have some leads.  They don't even talk about it 'till third year Transfiguration, and they don't actually teach it in normal classes, but we think we can do it without that.  You know what an Animagus is, right?"

Remus went completely still.  Then his face split into a huge grin.  "You'd do that?  For me?  All three of you?  But, it could be dangerous!"  His expression went serious for a moment, but the grin battled back to the foreground.  "You'd do that for me?"

~*~

"We all have our dark secrets," Peter was saying softly.  All four were lying out on the school lawn in the predawn hours when everyone else was asleep.  Remus had one eye on the map and the other on the night sky, and the whole world seemed perfect to them.

Sirius glanced over at Remus for an instant after Peter's statement.  "Yeah, I guess we do.  And despite it all, we stay friends.  We always will."

Remus took a teasing stance, sitting up suddenly with a grin.  "Hey, hey, you guys know my dark secret!  If you have dark secrets, give!"

James grinned into the darkness.  "My darkest secret is where I kissed Lily last night.  But, since a gentleman doesn't tell, I guess we can't all share."

They all laughed softly to avoid drawing unwanted attention.  The conversation quickly degenerated to the kind of ribbing only a group of four teenage guys could come up with, and Lily Evans would be shocked and dismayed to hear any of what was said.  Sirius and James were the worst, with Sirius asking if it was a where on the body, or a where on the school grounds...and James doing nothing to answer or deny allegations.

They were used to James' smug looks.

~*~

"Oy, Moony."  Sirius was whispering in the dark of the dorm, hoping against hope and praying to any god listening that Remus was awake...and that the others weren't.

Fortune smiles on the brave.

"Padfoot?  That you?"  The young werewolf sounded sleepy, but still awake.

It had been a week since their talk of dark secrets, and Sirius had finally come to a conclusion.  He couldn't keep it a secret anymore.  "Yeah, can't sleep.  Want to run with me down to the kitchens for a snack?  It's been a while since the house elves actually had something to do."

James didn't offer the services of his cloak, and Peter didn't jump at the mention of food, so it was obvious the other two were asleep.  Sirius let out a sigh of relief.

Remus sat up, grabbing his robe groggily.  "I'll go with, but I'm not really hungry myself."

The pair padded softly to the common room, where the fire was burning low and the room was blessedly empty.  It looked freshly cleaned, and Sirius congratulated himself on picking a perfect time.  "Actually, we don't have to go all the way to the kitchen.  I wanted to talk to you."

"It couldn't wait for a time when I was, oh, a little bit further on this side of awake?"

"It's about the whole thing we were talking about before, about dark secrets.  I didn't want anyone else to know."

"What?  Not even James?  Or did you already tell him?"  He said it with a puzzled smile, clearly completely lacking any clue of what Sirius wanted to say.

Sirius chuckled, but it was a nervous sound.  It didn't sound at all like his usual confident laugh.  "No, I didn't tell James.  It's actually got nothing to do with him."

Remus cocked his head to the side, grinning a little more cautiously.  "It has something to do with me, but not him?  Okay, I'll admit, you have me completely bewildered."

"Well, I want your advice I guess.  There's someone I like, someone I have a crush on--"

"Damn it, Sirius!  I warned you.  Don't you dare get between James and Lily; you're just asking for all kinds of-- Why are you laughing.  Stop!  You'll wake someone up!"

Sirius actually slumped to the ground laughing, though he didn't find it all that funny.  "No, no," he gasped finally.  "You have it completely wrong!"

Now Moony looked peevish, and that wasn't a good thing for either of them.  "What the hell else would this be about, that you can't tell James?  If you're making fun of me, making this into another one of your damn jokes, this time it's not funny.  Do you hear me?  It's not funny!"

Sirius looked up from his sitting position on the floor.  His expression was clear and earnest; his eyes were locked on his friend's eyes with a sharp intensity.  "I'm damn serious, and--"

Remus threw his arms in the air and almost walked from the room.  "I should know better by now."

Sirius was up like a shot, grabbing Remus by the shoulders, holding him still.  "Dammit, that's not what I meant!  Fuck, this time it just slipped out like that.  What I mean is, I--"  He broke off, shaking his head in self-disgust.  "Never mind."  He stalked across the room, sitting heavily on the couch and staring into the dying flames still in the fireplace.

"So," Remus said softly, standing behind his friend.  "You have a crush on someone."

Sirius nodded, still staring stony-faced into the fire.

"Do you want to tell me who it is?"

He shook his head in reply, still not shifting his eyes.

Remus walked around the couch, sitting at the other end and gazing at his glowering companion.  "Well, it's not Lily, but it's still someone you wanted to talk to me about rather than James.  That should tell me something there."  He casually pulled out his wand and began tracing small, glowing designs in the air.  He let them fade after a few moments; just casual doodles to be cast back into the ether.

"Shouldn't tell you a thing," came the response in a rather petulant tone.

Remus grinned, doodling soft pink hearts and sending them to drift across the space between them.  "You sounded all of five years old when you said that.  Really, Padfoot, that's a tone so unbecoming of the biggest heartbreak in Hogwarts."

The teasing tone made Sirius' heart squeeze painfully in his chest.  He waved the hearts away with an annoyed air, then turned his glare at his companion.  "Second biggest, maybe.  Don't flatter me; everyone knows that James has the bigger fan club.  Besides, the girls only want me for the family name and fortune, if they want me at all.  Like I care about those things."

"Oh, I know you don't."  Stylized bats and cobwebs began replacing the pink hearts, indicating a darker turn of mind.  "Some day you'll find someone that--" He broke off, shaking his head.  "Well, what about the mystery crush?  What does she think?"

Sirius returned to his stoic silence.

The doodles lost shape, becoming formless swirls and spirals.  "Just tell me," Remus said softly.  "Who is the lucky person?"

Sirius didn't miss the point that his friend had switched from the gender specific "she" to a more general "person" in his last question.  Was that significant?  Or was he hoping too hard to find something that wasn't there?

"I think I am tired," Sirius said, standing.  He forced a yawn, trying to make it look as real as he could.  "Good night.  Sorry for bothering you."

"Oh no.  You're not getting off that easily," Remus replied with a grin.  "I'm wide awake now, and curious.  Tell me."

"Good night, Moony."

"Just tell me one thing, and I'll leave you alone about it forever if you want."

Sirius frowned.  He wasn't really tired; he just wanted the torture to end.  "Fine.  Whatever.  Ask your question."

"Guy or girl?"

His face went blank.  His mind went blank.  This wasn't how things were supposed to go.  Of all the stupid questions--why did he have to ask that one?  "Uh-"

"That's what I thought.  Good night."  Remus Lupin flashed Sirius Black a wolfish grin, then bounded up the stairs.

~*~

_Pallid morning light slid through the bars, weakly announcing that there was a world outside the stone walls of the prison.  Sirius had lost track of how long he had been there.  There had been the trial, the sentencing, and then he had been thrown behind bars to rot.  One thought alone stood out, that he was innocent, but the other memories drifted through or around him depending on how much they hurt.  All of his memories were painful.  Even the happy things were like knives through his heart.  The dementors drove him to the brink of insanity--but not beyond._

_His neighbors were not as lucky._

**_"Master!  Master!  You promised me power!  When shall we be free?  When shall we be free?!"_ **

**_"The betrayer has betrayed us all!  We shall kill him!  Kill him!  The one who lead the Dark Lord to his doom shall be repaid with DOOM!"_ **

_**"Mother, mother...don't stare at me so...mother..."** _

_The shouts, screams, and moans from the other cells were a cacophony of madness that ran a counterpoint theme to Sirius' own dark thoughts.  So many calls for blood, for confrontation, for justice...._

_With a large hind paw Sirius began to scratch behind the ear, then settled down for another long bout of mindless contemplation.  It was all he had left._

~*~

Finally, he was there.  Sirius had finally found Peter.  Wormtail.  Despite his fully human form he growled deep in his chest exactly as a dog would.  He opened his mouth to begin shouting his accusations, but he was struck dumb when the rat began his own triad.

"You!  How dare you show your face after what you did!?"

What?

"You were the secret keeper for Lily and James, and everybody knows it!  You turned them over to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, don't deny it!  The whole world will know your guilt in turning them in to the Dark Lord!"

Sirius narrowed his eyes at the smaller man, wondering what he had planned.  He opened his mouth to deny the blatant lies his "friend" was spewing.

The blast knocked him down, but the direction of the blast was such that it wasn't aimed toward him.  It was aimed so it appeared to originate from him.  He saw a rat scurry down to the sewers through the gaping hole now in the sidewalk, and then he was alone in the chaos.  There were dead bodies.  There were people moaning from injuries.

And all Sirius could do was laugh.

~*~

"I saw that."

Sirius looked at Severus Snape with a superior smirk.  "I don't know what you could have seen around that ponderous schnaz, Sevvy."

Black eyes glittered like beetles in the light of the hallway.  They had just gotten out of double Potions, and the halls in the lower level had to be lit with torches even in the middle of the day.  Right now it added an ominous air to the atmosphere that Sirius hadn't really thought about before...but this hallway was dark.

"I saw how you were staring at that friend of yours.  It's different today too, but you're always staring at Lupin like that."  Snape's sneer battled Sirius' for haughty superiority.  "Tell me, cousin, do you fancy him?"

Sirius fought to keep his face neutral.  "You've got a sick and dirty imagination, but what would I expect from such a slimy git?  Just keep him and me out of your masturbation fantasies, Severus.  You make me sick enough as it is."

It didn't work.  The smug look only increased.  "That didn't have nearly the bite it should have.  I should say, I'm not guessing.  I know.  You two have a thing for each other.  Everyone else in class has their eye on that mudblood Evans girl--"

"You slimy Slytherin asshole!  Don't you ever talk about Lily like that!"  Sirius slammed Snape up against the stone wall violently, fist gathered in his robes, pinning him in place.

Snape didn't even flinch.  He emitted the hollow laugh of someone with nothing to lose, someone who had faced such treatment too many times.  Sirius would be haunted by that laugh, though he wouldn't understand it until the day he emitted a laugh that was the same.  "Interesting.  So you do have something for her as well."  Sirius found himself relaxing his grip on the other seventh year student.  "You'd do well to keep in mind that either one of those rumors spread around would put a crimp in your perfect image, Black.  It doesn't matter if they're true or not.  All I have to do is know which ears to whisper them to."

"What do you want, Snape?"

"That is such a long list," he said softly.  "We have other classes to get to though, so why don't we meet somewhere later to discuss the terms of our upcoming agreement."

"So it's blackmail then?  Your parents would be so proud."

"Well, that's something you and I have in common, Black.  I could give a shit what my parents think right now."

Sirius nodded, feeling queasy at the thought, but accepting the fact.  He didn't have anything on Snape other than the fact he was a slimy, worthless git...and everyone already knew that.  "Meet me tonight at the Shrieking Shack then."

"Do you think I'm stupid?  That thing is all boarded up and impossible to get to."

Now Sirius let his grin reappear.  It was tricky not letting that out too soon....  "Ah, but I know a secret way in.  There's a knot at the Whomping Willow that will make it quiescent, and there's a tunnel you'll be able to get to from there.  Poke the knot with a stick, and with the full moon tonight it will be easy to see what you need to do and where to go.  I'll be waiting for you."

"Don't try to weasel your way out of this, or I'll make sure things go very badly for you."  Still, the confident grin didn't leave Snape's face.

"Don't worry.  If I can't get there before you I'll arrive soon after.  I'm not eager to have those things spread about."

~*~

_Time was irrelevant in Azkaban.  How many lifetimes had Sirius suffered?  Pain, sorrow, suffering...reliving everything.  He whined low in his throat, wondering if he should return to his human form for a time.  Yesterday a prisoner had died.  Barty Crouch Jr.  He hadn't bothered even looking; trying not to think about how easy it would be to die in here._

_"The asylum is silent while they dance on our graves, the inmates are haunted, haunting, afraid...."_

_It was a tuneless whisper from another cell, like a song without notes.  It wasn't quite a chant, but it kept going on and on and on._

_It contained a bit of truth to it though.  With death so fresh on the air, people were quieter in their cells.  It was eerie.  Sirius didn't like it a bit.  Were they all thinking of dying behind these locked doors?_

_He had to find a way out somehow._

_Some day._

_He curled up in a ball, tail resting against his muzzle, and tried to muster the energy to just survive through it all._

~*~

 

"Congratulations," Sirius was the first one to murmur.  They had their faces pressed against the glass of the nursery, staring at the newborns in awe.  There, in the middle, was little Harry Potter, squalling with all his might and showing his strength and health to the world.  "The Longbottoms beat you, but only just."

James had a goofy grin on his face.  "Didn't know it was a competition.  I thought we were just having babies."  He didn't take his eyes off of his son for a moment, pride showing clearly in his glowing features.  In that moment Sirius didn't think he'd seen his friend looks so...well...so grown up before.  They weren't the Marauders anymore.  So much was behind them, and one of them now had a family, a baby boy, to solidify the line between now and then.  Everything had been a contest in school for James.  Now--it clearly wasn't.

"Looks like you were right, Peter."  Remus grinned, clapping their friend on the back.  "Shouldn't have doubted you, should we?"

Peter blinked and swallowed hard, but he managed to smile.  "I am right once in a while, you know."

James turned with a bit of a teasing grin.  "What's this?  Divination runs in your blood and you never told us or something?"

Peter laughed in return, the initial awe they had all displayed first now melting into joy.  "If that were true, you'd think I could have divined the answers to more tests, maybe gotten more NEWTS or something."

They all laughed good-naturedly, the cheer in the mood increasing as they shared this momentous occasion.  There was much clapping on backs and "manly" hugs going around, and finally Sirius suggested that they all go out for drinks.  James bowed out since he'd been there the whole time, staying by Lily's side as long as the doctors would allow and pacing the halls the rest of the time.  It had been a long labor and they'd been in the hospital alone for nearly twenty-four hours.  James just wanted to go and get some sleep, then come and see his family again in the morning.

Peter said he'd join them for one drink, but he had that one quickly and then claimed prior plans.  They saw the expression on his face though, the heartbreak and misery over the final hopelessness.  Sirius knew he was mourning the loss of all hope that some day Lily might look at him that way.  Not as long as they shared a child...there was no way.

"It's the same expression he had after the wedding," Remus said as they watched Peter stumble out the door.

"I thought for sure he'd have gotten over her at that point at least.  Why does he keep torturing himself like that?"

"You can't help who you love," he murmured softly, reaching a hand out to caress Sirius' hand across the table.  It was an absent gesture, a comfort they now gave without thought.  They didn't blatantly flaunt their relationship, society wasn't that accepting of what they shared, but they had stopped going out of their way to hide it.

"I suppose that's true," Sirius conceded with a grin.  "I just hate to see him doing this to himself.  It was funny when we were younger, to see him striving in James' shadow, but it's pathetic now.  Well, no it was pathetic then.  I guess I just feel bad about it now."

Remus pulled his hand away, crossing his arms in a disapproving scowl.  "I can't believe you.  This is one of our best friends you're talking about, and you thought it was funny that Peter was 'pathetic' like that."

"Boys will be boys?"  Sirius shrugged and winked.

Remus gave in with a laugh.  "You're bad to the core, you know that?"

The taller man leaned forward conspiratorially.  "Isn't that what you find so appealing?" he questioned softly, turning on the charm that his dear Moony seemed unable to resist.

The werewolf looked around, making sure no one else was paying attention.  They were in a muggle bar, so no one they knew should be around, but still--  "Let's go home, and I'll show you exactly what I find so appealing."

"So forward, so impatient," Sirius teased with a smile.  He dropped it immediately.  "My place or yours?"

"The Leaky Cauldron is just down the street.  We can pretend we're too drunk to Apparate and just rent a room."

"I do love how your mind works, Moony."

~*~

They were in the library.  Peter was hanging on every word that came out of the mouths of the other three boys, taking notes and asking questions about it all.  Remus was being serious about it and shooting questioning looks at the other two.  James and Sirius were fighting for deadpan expressions as they found out just how much Peter would actually accept on blind faith.

"Remus Lupin, there you are.  We've been looking everywhere for you."  Madam Pomfrey bustled into the library, looking severe.  "Your grandmother has arrived to pick you up, your grandfather is in the hospital again.  You'd better gather your things quickly, it's almost sundown."

Remus looked out the window with something akin to fear.  Sirius studied that expression carefully; looking for a hint of whatever secret was hidden there.  He left the room in a flash though, too fast to question him.

"He's been doing that all year," Peter stated.  "He's either sick, or a member of his family is.  I sure hope he can pass his classes, I've been getting all my notes from him."

James and Sirius exchanged looks.  Yes, all year, every full moon.  This confirmed it.  They still didn't know why, but they had put quite a few pieces together.  They'd dig further over summer...James had already cleared the idea of having friends over with his parents.

"Anyway, what were you two saying about those Sniffling Nufflers or whatever?  The ones that make gold out of dirt?  Do you think they'll show up on any of our exams?"

James dove back into the carefully constructed exaggeration, seeing just how much Peter would believe.  Sirius grinned to encourage his friend, but his mind was miles away.  He would figure out this mystery.  He wanted to know everything about Remus Lupin.  Everything.

~*~

_The memories were as vivid as any dream, and sometimes more real than life had ever been.  Sirius had lucid moments, but those were few and far between lately.  He was drowning in the painful memories, and everything was painful now.  Even the beautiful image of Remus naked and vulnerable, writhing in ecstasy as Sirius drove them both over the edge of ultimate pleasure...even that was a knife through his chest._

_Remus hated him now.  Remus was so sure that Sirius had betrayed the Potters to their death.  He hadn't believed in their love, he hadn't stood at the trial, he hadn't somehow saved his love._

_Everything hurt now._

_Everything._

~*~

Oh, he was in trouble.  He knew it.  He saw it in Professor Dumbledore's eyes how much trouble he was in.

That wasn't important.

It was the look in Snape's eyes that concerned Sirius.  The Slytherin was working out exactly what this meant to him.  At the moment he worked it out, Sirius returned his gaze to the headmaster, taking the punishment with a grim acceptance.

"Potter, I do commend you for saving Snape's life, but that can not make up for the wrongs done this night.  I expected more of you, Black.  I can't begin to understand why you would think it's acceptable to endanger someone else's life like this.  It goes beyond any simple prank or teasing, what you have done was inexcusable."

"I know.  I'm sorry, Professor.  Things just got out of hand.  I didn't think--"

"That much is obvious, Mr. Black.  I can't express how disappointed I am in you."  Dumbledore brought a hand up to his beard, playing with it while he clearly weighed what consequences he should attach to these actions.  "I believe in second chances, and that is why I will not expel you right now.  Your record speaks strongly for you, but I must caution you that any hint of wrongdoing over the rest of this year will result in you leaving this school and being stripped of all OWLs and even NEWTs if such behavior is shown after you have taken your final exams.  This is a most serious matter."

"Yes, Headmaster."  He bowed, looking contrite.  On the inside however--

They were dismissed, and James shot Sirius a confused look.  "What's gotten into you?  Dumbledore is right, that was--"

"I know, okay?  I'll--I'll go over and apologize, okay?  I'll meet up with you in the common room."

James began walking away, and Sirius caught up with his nemesis.  "That was a warning, Snape."

"I figured," the greasy haired young man replied.  His black eyes were narrowed dangerously, and any sane person would have been warned by the animosity found there.

Sirius didn't bother with the smug looks or other posturing games.  "Nobody blackmails a member of the Black family.  People like my parents may assume that just because I was sorted into Gryffindor it means I'm soft or weak, but don't underestimate me.  If you spread those rumors about me, or breathe a word about Remus to anyone, I'll kill you."

He didn't stick around to see the incompetent rage in Snape's eyes.  They had indeed come to an understanding.  Neither of them would underestimate the other again.

~*~

The punch was more powerful than Sirius could have expected.

"Ow!  God damn it!  What the fuck--"

"How dare you?"  Remus had never looked so angry and hurt before, his expressions painfully raw and clear.  "I thought that you, of all people--never mind.  I don't know what made me think that."

Now it was disgust on those features, and something bordering on hatred.  Sirius shivered, bringing a hand up to his lip carefully.  Yes, it was split and one of his teeth felt sickeningly loose.

Peter sat up in bed, groggily rubbing at his eyes.  "Hey, it's early.  Some of us are still asleep in here."

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, slowly and with much pain.  The words were slurred, and blood was beginning to fill his mouth.

The apology was directed toward Moony, but it was Wormtail that took it.

"It's okay I guess.  But, what's going on?"

Remus glared across the room at Sirius, who was still on his ass at the foot of his bed, prodding his new bruise.  " **Somebody** thought it would be a grand lark to turn me into a murderer last night."

"What?"  Peter looked shocked, staring at Sirius with horror.  He had begged off going out with them last night, the stress of studying for their NEWTs had been giving Peter anxiety attacks that sometimes led to getting sick if he didn't get enough sleep.  The rat had been sneezing all afternoon and had apologized profusely to Remus for not being up to going out...never suspecting that Sirius had given him a minor hex to keep him out of the events that would happen that night.

"When I returned to myself and stumbled back to see Professor Dumbledore, I was given the news that one of my best friends had betrayed me.  Unbelievable, isn't it?  Sirius told Snape about the tunnel and the secret of the Whomping Willow yesterday, and apparently James just barely saved him from a gruesome end.  Now my secret is known by someone who hates me already, and I can't trust someone I thought I could lay my life on the line for!"

"It wasn't like that," Sirius muttered, looking for something to sop up the blood with.  He finally settled for an old shirt, simply because it was handy and he didn't absolutely need it.

"Wasn't like WHAT?" Remus screamed.  "It wasn't like you thought I'd kill a human who came down that tunnel?  It wasn't like you thought I'd actually transform last night?  It wasn't like you knew I'd gone to great lengths to stay away from people all my life so my hands would not be stained with blood?  How dare you?"

Peter let out a squeak and dashed from the room, probably to seek out James and get a more complete picture of what had actually happened.  He was never one to stick around for fights, never one to want to get in the middle of the hot tempers that sometimes flared between the other friends in their group.  Sirius and Remus were left alone in the room to fight it out on their own.

"I'm sorry," Sirius finally said again.

Of course it wasn't enough.  Not at this time of the month, and probably never.  "Sorry.  Oh, well, that just excuses it all.  That explains how my best friend could do this to me.  That explains how you could--"

"Oh, just stop before you end up repeating yourself.  It was stupid, okay?  It was wrong, it was horrible, I've got detention for a month, I lost the house one hundred points overnight, and I could have killed someone.  I've got it already.  I figured that's how it would go in the first place."

"Then why the hell did you do it?  After all those things you said the other night, I thought for sure--"

"Oh?  What did you think?  All those stupid things I said, what did you think, what kind of mood did you think I'd be in?"

"Well, it's obviously stupid what I thought.  Doesn't matter."  Remus looked momentarily like he'd been stabbed through the heart before his face hardened and he went on.  "So, go ahead and tell me why you thought I should kill Severus Snape."

"Oh God, if I wanted him dead he'd be dead already.  My wonderful and loving family being who they are, you think I wouldn't know how to arrange that?"  He felt sick to say something like that, but it was the truth and they both knew it.  "I wanted him scared.  I wanted him to know not to fuck with me.  He didn't leave me a lot of choice in the matter."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Sirius muttered, tending to his wound.  He looked at it in the mirror, and then turned away deciding it was too ghastly to face.  He pulled the blood soaked shirt away carefully, then placed a clean section against the cut.  It was still bleeding.

"It was important enough to pull this kind of stunt.  It was earth-shattering enough to endanger my darkest secret.  I'm already intimately involved in the matter, so you might as well tell me why you used me like that."

Sirius sat heavily on his bed, head leaning on one of the corner posts.  "Why not," he gave in wearily.  "You can't hate me more than you already do, so why not tell you the truth.  Snape was going to blackmail me.  He put two and two together and came up with four for a change, unlike everyone else I know.  He accused me of having feelings for you, and I couldn't let that get out.  Happy now?"

Remus went pale.  His hands shook.  He sat suddenly on the bed next to Sirius; righteous anger vanished in an instant.  "Oh God."

"Exactly.  So, now that you know, feel free to ridicule me or whatnot, I owe you that much.  Hell, I'll leave the school if you'd like, and I'm sorry."  He pulled his knees to his chest and hoped to bleed to death rather than face this anymore.  He checked the state of the expanding circle of blood on the shirt and was almost disappointed to see that it had slowed.  Well, that was one escape denied him.

"Don't be so melodramatic.  I realized what you were trying to say that night; I was just waiting for you to be in a better mood so I could tell you.  But--Snape knows?"

Sirius nodded dumbly, not sure if he trusted his voice.  What exactly did Remus mean by that?  Surely he didn't--

"Does that slimy bastard have to know all my dark secrets?"  He slumped over, falling backwards across the bed.

"He just knows about me, so I don't think--"

"No, Severus isn't stupid.  He's an utter bastard with a cruel streak a mile wide, but he's not stupid.  If he figured out about you, it won't take him long at all to figure out that I," his lips quirked in a bit of a grin, "have feelings for you as well."

~*~

"Sorry I'm late, Pete!  Just here to make sure you're still alive and--"

Sirius' voice echoed strangely in the house.  It was empty.  There were no signs of forced entry, no signs of a rush to leave, just an empty house.

"Peter?"

It was a flash of intuition that told him at that moment, but he checked every inch of the place anyway.  Peter was gone.

Wormtail had sold them out, had handed the secret over to Voldemort.  Their Secret Keeper had betrayed them.

He ran from the house, but everything was in slow motion now.  He had to get to Lily and James.  He had to save them.  He was the only one who knew they were in mortal peril--

And it was entirely his fault.

~*~

_Like a knife stabbing him in the gut, over and over again.  Sirius woke from his daze of memories, not really having been asleep, but not having been entirely awake either.  He could smell the change in the air; the smell of people coming that hadn't been here forever.  It took more and more effort every time, but Sirius shifted from his dog form to his natural state.  Unwashed, unshaven, half starved and still awash with grief, Sirius Black sat on the bare mattress and waited for this inspection to be over with.  It hurt too much to be human these days, and he spent more and more of his time as an animal._

_Still, he had his mind.  When others muttered and banged their heads mindlessly against the walls, Sirius still behaved like a human being._

_"Hello Minister.  Is it that time again?"_

_Fudge looked a bit disconcerted, but nodded.  "Must be certain that standards are maintained here as well."_

_Sirius gave a hollow laugh, but coughed, choking over sound.  It had been too long since he had laughed for any reason._

_"I don't suppose you'll be asking all the prisoners if we're enjoying our stay?"_

_"Er, I suppose I could, but most wouldn't answer.  After all, this isn't supposed to be a holiday spot."_

_Sirius sighed, waving aside the poor attempt at humor.  He should have expected it to fall flat--how could he hope that the Minister of Magic would appreciate his dry wit when he wasn't sure he was being witty at all.  He'd spent too much time away from people._

_Something caught Sirius' eye though.  A picture on the cover of the Daily Prophet showed--_

_No, it couldn’t be...._

_"Pardon me, Minister, but are you finished with the paper?"_

_"What?"_

_"I'm sorry, it's just been ever so long since I've had a chance to do the crossword," he said.  His eyes didn't leave the picture on the front though._

I know that rat.

_No, he'd just take a look at that picture, make sure it's not who he thought it was.  It was hard to tell at this distance after all...._

_"Of course, of course.  Just finished it before we arrived.  Here you go," Fudge said solicitously as he handed over the paper._

_"Thank you, you're ever so kind."_

_He went directly to the crossword until he was certain that the inspection was over.  Afterward the Dementors would close in again, sucking hope from all once more with their psychic chill.  He wanted to make sure he could see this for the first time under their influence because they would rob him of hope easily--_

_But they could not take away his need for revenge._

_"He's at Hogwarts!"  Sirius' voice rang through the prison when he finally read the article._

_No, they could not drive away his need for revenge in the least._


End file.
